How to Get Through to Your Spouse

Not too long ago, a very desperate person called me, he was very frustrated. Well, his situation is not that uncommon, I bet that as you listen to his story, you can relate to it.

What he said can be described with an analogy. Imagine you are in a basement of a house and you spouse is upstairs somewhere. You try to communicate by banging on a pipe in Morse Code. Bang bang bang ... wait ... no response ... bang bang bang ... wait ... no response ... bang bang bang ....  No matter how much you bang and how long you wait, there is always silence at the other end. Does that sound vaguely familiar? If the relationship has gone long enough each party will tend to "switch off" the ears. You are no longer hearing each other.

Do you want to be heard? Does it feel like you are being ignored? Is your partner being oblivious to your communications?

We are in the 21st century where communications is as easy as a click of the mouse. You can contact anyone in the world instantly. You have other options too, you can call, text, fax and instant messaging. You can still use old fashioned letter writing too. The courier will get your letter there the next day, unlike old times. Communicating with people is now very easy, but why is communicating with your partner becoming more difficult by the day?

There is a difference between information and personal communication. With our high tech society communicating information is very easy and fast, and you have lots of options as to how you will communicate. But how do you communicate what is in your heart and how do you know what is going on with someone else's heart? How do you communicate the feelings of your soul? Can you text what is in your heart? You can have the latest gadgets but it wouldn't help you a bit. Personal communication is a different matter altogether. And it is the ability to personally communicate that determines the success of your marriage.

Once there was a Broadway play with a very interesting scene. A man and a woman met on a train from New Haven to New York. They engaged in trivial conversation. After alighting from the train they found out they were going to the same building on Fifth Avenue. What a coincidence! When they go up the elevator they got off the same floor! What is more is that they went to the same apartment, and inside is the same daughter to them. They were husband and wife!

A horrible trend that is going on nowadays is that spouses are emailing each other! Somehow communications became harder and harder, making couples to use the insulation of email. Do you want to do something concrete to improve your relationship? Just don't email your partner, unless it is information. Yes, emails are for information and not for communicating with your spouse. With emails you cannot hear your spouse and your spouse in turn cannot hear you. By hear I don't mean sound alone, you should detect the vibrations emanating from your spouse even when there is silence. You should hear the heart of your partner.

With emails you can't do any of these things. Even with the clinical communication techniques that you learnt you may not be able to hear the heart of your spouse. No techniques can think your partner's thoughts, share in joy and suffer together in pain. Doing these techniques will probably result in casualty, and there are lots and lots of them documented in my records of phone consultations and the Marriage Fitness Tele Boot Camp. If, like most people, been there and done that, you know it doesn't work.

Just the other day my son came to me with a bruise leg. He is four years old. I examine the "wound", it was black and blue but there was no bleeding. He wanted a Band-Aid. I told him it was not necessary because there is no cut. But once again he insisted on a Band-Aid. Then I realized that his perception is that a Band-Aid is for anything that hurts.

So in marriage the common perception of most people is that if you are not communicating then just put a Band-Aid on it - the so called relationship techniques. But it would not solve the problem. It does not address the problem at all, and is not the right treatment for the problems in any case.

The communication techniques that I spoke of is meant to get the point across. But that's not the point, the point is whether you care for your spouse, if you have concern for your partner. So your spouse "gets" the information from you, that he/she knows what you are thinking. You have gotten your information across, but that does not help the relationship one iota. Your partner still doesn't know if you really care for him/her. You have to let your partner know he/she is important and does matter.   

You have to find that place that you and your spouse care for each other, the place you have been but seems to have lost. That's where my Marriage Fitness approach comes in.

My approach is unique and aims at repairing the relationship, as oppose to the usual marriage counseling. Most counseling emphasize communication skills so that you can communicate effectively. But the love you have for each other is not the result of good communication. As a matter of fact there must be love first, than communication will follow - automatically. So the first order of business is to get the love back.

Remember when you were first in love? Your communication was flawless. You know each other's intentions just by looking in the eyes. You often say the same sentence simultaneously. You were perfectly in tune to each other - but you haven't learn a single communication technique! 

As the year roll by you get to know your spouse inside and out, as you spouse know you inside out. You have learn ways of communication and all about Mars and Venus, and then, you know what - you can't get through to your spouse and you spouse is clueless about getting through to you.

Heed this : communication does not depend on techniques or knowledge of the other party. It's all about the kind of connection you have of each other and how deep is the connection.

You have been asking the wrong question, which is how to communicate with your spouse effectively. The correct question that should be asked is how to connect with your spouse and consequently getting through to your love. Once you connect you can go to the basement and you can feel you love, without a single bang on the pipe. In silence you hear each other.

If you want to learn how to connect with your spouse again, subscribe to my FREE report, “7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage” and get my FREE marriage assessment. CLICK HERE to subscribe. It’s FREE.

Warm regards,

Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach

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